Greg's Story

"I felt that as a guy there was a great expectation for me to be a rock solid support for Deb. I thought that the last thing she needed was to see me upset, or anything but a tower of strength. I sometimes felt that I needed support but I kept those thoughts to myself… ‘I don’t have it anywhere near as tough as Deb’ I would remind myself."

For my wife Debbie and I, life was pretty carefree after the birth of our 2nd son, Ryan, in April 2004. A little brother to Jordan (3), we were thrilled of course, and life was great. Six weeks later, Debbie was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a few lumps in her breasts during this time, but a month after Ryan arrived, there was one that didn’t go away. The first lesson I learnt from our breast cancer experience (and it was a tough one), was not to automatically assume that it would turn out to be nothing. As an optimistic person, I had convinced myself that it was just a cyst or something minor. After all, Deb was too young for breast cancer, even though her mum had it 10 years earlier. From that point onwards, the overconfidence that comes with being young and healthy changed for us.

After surgery, Deb went through 4 and a half months of chemo, 6 weeks of radiotherapy and then a further 3 months chemo. I was scared of what lay ahead. It was so hard to not dwell on the worse case scenario. I kept having regular thoughts of what could happen to Deb and I would get very upset. And then to think of our two little boys… I was worried about them too. Whenever I got caught up in bad thoughts I would tell myself just to ‘snap out of it’. I tried to k e e p my thoughts fixated on only one outcome: Debbie beating this terrible disease.

I felt that as a guy there was a great expectation for me to be a rock solid support for Deb. I thought that the last thing she needed was to see me upset, or anything but a tower of strength. I sometimes felt that I needed support but I kept those thoughts to myself… ‘I don’t have it anywhere near as tough as Deb’ I would remind myself. Anytime I felt that I needed to get out, have a think on my own or even cry I would take our dog for a late night walk. Our poor Golden Retriever must have wondered what was going on with all the late night exercise!

In the early days after Deb’s diagnosis, I had trouble talking to family and friends. I would always become too emotional. I found email was the best way for me to communicate. I really wanted to speak to someone about where this experience would lead us, and was put in touch with a great guy who I was able to catch up with a couple of times. He helped give me a ‘heads up’ on what to expect and on what Deb was about to go through. Reading books by Jane McGrath and Lance Armstrong helped too. As time went by the negative thoughts became more infrequent. I stayed as busy as possible while still keeping close to Deb. I was running my own physio practice, working weekends with an AFL club, completing my Masters and then doing some lecturing in between.

Deb and I had been together since high school, and it was so hard for me to watch her go through all the physical changes that accompany breast cancer and its treatment. She was scarred by surgery and then had to endure the brutal chemo and all its side effects. Debbie had always loved her long hair and it was so devastating when she lost it (along with the eyebrows and eyelashes of course).

I offered to go out in sympathy, so one night she shaved my head and then I returned the favour. She felt a bit better when I looked far worse! It was important to me to let Deb know that despite all the changes to her body, she was no less attractive to me. ‘That’s rubbish’ would often be her reply, but it was true. I didn’t marry her breast or her hair. I married someone much more than that, which went way beyond those superficial layers.

I knew that I had to do a lot more around home to help Deb out. She was really unwell though the chemo. I got the kids up, dressed and fed each day, and did more cleaning and tidying to give Deb as much sleep as possible. Sometimes I got so pre-occupied with helping in a physical and practical way, I would forget that she needed my emotional support as well. From dealing every day with patients who have pain, I know that as time goes by it’s human nature for people’s support to fade. I tried so hard to make sure that wasn’t me, but I wasn’t perfect. There were times when I forgot what she might have been feeling, and could have been more understanding. I kept a note she wrote to me on how she was feeling and would read it whenever I needed to re-focus.

Of course there were times during Deb’s treatment that I felt helpless. I thought that it was important that we had something to look forward to at the end of her treatment, which were the longest 11 months of our lives. This came in the form of a fantastic 2 week holiday to the Gold Coast. The other thing that we had planned was a party with all our friends to celebrate. After attending the Best Breast Breakfast my idea for a party materialized into the Best Breast Ball. We were able to raise a massive $40,000 for the BCI and we are going to do it again this year, bigger and better!

So where to now? Well in April this year, Deb had a big setback with a relapse of her cancer. Back on chemo again for another 4-6 months, it has been overwhelming at times. Our lives have been changed forever and for the better in so many ways. We have different priorities now, and they are the right ones. Spending time together with our gorgeous boys and enjoying the present moment is our focus. Our relationship has been raised to a whole new level, even after all these years.

This is my experience with breast cancer, and watching my beautiful wife go through a life changing 2 years. There are mountains left to climb, but Deb is an unbelievable woman who has shown a depth of character that has been amazing. She is amazing.

Last Updated on Wednesday, 25 June 2008 19:57